


Treat You Better

by ShootingStar13



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apologies, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Communication, Crying, Death Threats, Disasters, Domestic Violence, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Fist Fights, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Men Crying, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Protectiveness, Talking, Team as Family, Vomiting, You Have Been Warned, because I'm shameless about it, stolen dialogue from episode nine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-01-13 18:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21200711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShootingStar13/pseuds/ShootingStar13
Summary: Eddie comes home late one night after drinking and street fighting. He didn't expect Buck to be there. He didn't expect Buck to start berating him with questions and worry. He also didn't expect to still be so angry with Buck for leaving him and Christopher during the lawsuit and so he does something that he will forever regret.In which a drunk and angry Eddie hits Buck and everyone finds out.





	1. Hit and Run

Eddie hit him.

In retrospect, Buck should have seen it coming.

He has the experience to know what the angry and intoxicated look in someone’s eyes means. He has the knowledge to know that he should duck when he sees the revving of a fist slowly, yet all too quickly, coming at him. He should have made the connection, he should have realized that he’d pushed Eddie over the edge enough for the man to finally snap long enough to strike, and his instincts should have kept Eddie’s fist from connecting with the left side of his face.

The impact of the punch sends Buck’s head back, hitting hard against the wall connecting the dining room to the kitchen.

Disoriented from the pain and shock, Buck seizes up. His flight or fight responses freeze and instead of running away or hitting back, he slides down the wall, staring blankly at Eddie, watching as the angry fog in the other man’s eyes slowly evaporates as he realizes what he’s done.

“Oh god,” Eddie whispers. His tone is in as much disbelief as Buck is. He shouldn't have been so stupid enough to think that he’d finally escaped it all. He should have known better than to get comfortable, to fall so hard into the warm and seemingly safe embrace of domesticity and love with Eddie, something he so badly craved his entire adolescence. Buck became too trusting, too happy, and now, it’s all crashing down around him. Everything is going wrong again and just when he thought things were starting to get easier too.

But then Eddie hit him.

Eddie hit him and after everything he’s been through within the last half-year, Buck should have noticed, should have realized, that even with someone as amazing as Eddie, that all good things must die.

But the worst part of it all is, Eddie hit him and suddenly Buck is 20 years younger, cowering in the corner of the kitchen, he so stupidly assumed was safe, quietly sobbing into his hands, and waiting for the rest of the blows to come.

Buck is sent back in time, remembering the life he had when he was young and his father came home, drunk as usual, and angry at him for existing.

But it’s not like he had asked to be born at all. He didn't ask to be conceived. He didn't ask to be the product of a mistake. 

But his father hated his guts because he was a mistake, a drunken, drugged induced mistake between his father and mother, who’s Catholic nature ironically kept her from getting an abortion but allowed her to spend all day getting high and cheating on her “husband” with men she picked up at bars. 

Buck is suddenly trapped in the memory of a time where his father decided to take out his hatred of his life and the world on Buck in a physical and violent nature.

So, when Eddie hit him during a stupid argument that Buck started, he knows better than to make the situation worse by running or fighting back. Instead, he is waiting for Eddie to continue; because he knows he’s not done yet. But when more than a minute passes and the finishing blows never come; Buck is terrified that Eddie found a new target to relent his anger on.

Slowly, Buck uncovers his eyes, blinks through his tears and finds that, instead, Eddie is hovering above him, tears streaming down his face and his body slowly inching and yearning to move closer to Buck but then deciding against it each time he tries to close the space between them.

Buck watches as Eddie lowers himself to the ground, far too slowly, and far too gently, for Buck’s liking. He’s been tricked by the apologetic act before, and he won't let it happen again.

“Buck…” Eddie sobs, he's closer now so that Buck can smell the alcohol on his breath, strong and an aromatic reminder of all the pain drinking has brought him. It's why he never has more than one beer and avoids getting drunk and being around drunk people.

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie says, bringing Buck out of his head, and slowly reaches out his hand towards him.

Buck flinches and tries to back himself farther into the wall as if he could magically phase through it and use it as a shield from whatever remaining punches Eddie has in his system. 

And based upon the rage Eddie told him he had boiling inside him; Buck knows he's still got a lot left for him to endure. 

This whole ordeal happened because Buck got in Eddie’s face about where he was at such a late hour, why he was drunk, and why the hell he thought it was okay for him to take up illegal street fighting.

But then Eddie snapped, he could no longer contain his anger for Buck berating him and then...

Eddie doesn’t reach out to Buck again for the rest of the night. After seeing him flinch, Eddie cries silent tears and keeps his distance but doesn't once leave Buck's side. Instead, he sits cross-legged in front of him, as if he is waiting for Buck to say or do something.

But Buck doesn’t move from his corner. He sits with his back to the corner, one leg stretched in front of him and one leg bent, resting his opposite arm on that knee and resting his head against the wall. His face is hot and wet with tears and from the blood pooling to the area he was hit, slowly creating the bruise he knows is forming on his face. His ears are even still ringing from the initial punch. 

As the night continues on Buck keeps himself from making eye contact with Eddie, opting instead to stare blankly off into space, eyes blurry from the tears filling and falling from them. But Eddie is staring at him the whole night as the clock above the dining table ticks on and on, echoing the time with each passing second. 

Neither Buck nor Eddie end up falling asleep so when Eddie’s morning alarm starts blaring, effectively cutting the silence between them like a knife, Buck is suddenly brought back to reality as Eddie scrambles to turn off his alarm as quickly as possible.

Buck knows that the first alarm is Eddie’s alarm to wake up to start getting ready for work. He has a backup alarm set consecutively every fifteen minutes after the first until his final alarm at 7:15 tells him that he has to wake up Christopher to get him fed and ready for school.

Buck knows he needs to get up now though. He needs to attempt to act like nothing is wrong and fall back into normality or he'll risk scaring Christopher when the boy eventually wakes up and walks into the kitchen for breakfast.

Slowly, Buck lifts himself on weak and shaking legs and from the corner of his eye he notices Eddie standing up as well but Buck tries his damnedest not to look at him, because if he looks at Eddie, he won't be able to avoid the conversation he knows his friend wants them to have.

His suspicions are confirmed when Buck makes his way into the kitchen to get himself a drink of water and Eddie decides to grab a cup for him, handing over a bright and colorful purple Avengers-themed plastic cup in his direction. 

“Buck, please we need to talk about this,” Eddie says, his voice is no longer slurred from the alcohol he consumed last night.

With shaking hands, Buck takes the cup from Eddie and doesn't allow a moment for either of them to linger. He takes the cup, puts it under the faucet and lifts the chrome handle high, allowing the water to quickly fill up the cup so he can take a drink. 

After chugging down eight fluid ounces of water, Buck replies with,

“We don’t have to talk about anything.” 

“But Buck…” Eddie tries to argue but stops himself before he can finish. “I’m so sorry.” He says instead. 

And though Buck wants to respond to Eddie's apology, he also doesn’t want to because that might mean forgiveness and he's not ready to forgive him just yet. Instead, Buck decides to head toward the fridge so he can start making breakfast before Christopher wakes up. He had promised Christopher late last night that he would make him pancakes in the morning if he went to bed on time, because Chris was worried about his dad and wanted to wait up for him and Buck knew the kid needed to sleep so the only way they could both get what they wanted was if Buck essentially, bribed the kid with something he loved. 

Eddie doesn’t say anything else to him once he starts getting out all of the ingredients needed for pancakes, and Buck finds his silence as a win. He listens though, as Eddie heads into the bathroom so he can start getting ready for his shift before he needs head into Christopher’s room so he could wake the boy up for school.

Cooking is methodical, therapeutic in a sense, Buck finds this out as his mind wanders a bit as he tries to remember all the correct measurements without his phone because his phone had fallen amid the chaos last night and he didn't want to bother to look for it.

As Buck is cooking he realizes that he is really glad Christopher slept through everything that happened last night because if he had woken up to witness Eddie hitting him or if he had stayed up to wait for his dad to see him coming home drunk and beat up, then the poor kid would have something more he’d have to talk about in therapy. And Buck doesn’t want to hurt that kid any more than he already has.

As he pours the mixture of milk, vanilla extract, melted butter, flour, sugar, and baking powder on the hot griddle on the stove for the nth time since he started breakfast, Buck hears the familiar and comforting sound of Christopher’s crutches on the hardwood floor.

“G—good mornin’ Bucky.” Christopher greets him from the dining room as he makes his way to the dining table.

“Good morning kiddo.” Buck greets back, deciding not to turn around for Christopher’s sake. Though he knows, eventually the kid will notice, but for now, he keeps himself busy in the kitchen.

Eddie, now fully dressed and ready for the day, comes into the dining room next and sits beside his son, listening to the kid talk passionately about the dream he had last night. The dream had something to do with pirates and mermaids who could breathe fire and Buck listens to this, smiling despite the throbbing pain making itself known on his face.

Buck turns around, three plates in his hand, and walks over into the dining room to set the table. He tries to keep his eyes down so that the shadows keep whatever bruise is on his face hidden from Christopher’s view. But Christopher is far too observant and Buck can’t keep anything hidden from that kid.

“Buck,” Christopher says. “How did you get hurt?”

Buck looks up, no longer bothering to hide since he's been found out, and sees the expression on Christopher's face. It's one of worry and it matches the look Eddie has on his face as well. Buck thinks about what to say, he won't tell the kid the truth and he knows Eddie knows this so the other man opens his mouth about to say something that could really get him in trouble if he's not careful but Buck is quick to shut it down.

“Well Chris, before your Dad got home last night I decided to make myself something to snack on and when I opened them up, I hit my head on the cabinet door,” Buck says, laughing and feeling a stinging pain erupt all over his cheek.

“Oh,” Chris says with pouted lips. “You sh—should have Dad ch—check you out.”

“It’s alright Christopher,” Buck says with a small smile as he goes back into the kitchen to bring the food out. Buck then places a plate with a huge stack of freshly made pancakes on top of the table. “It’s just a small bruise.” He adds in hopes of reassuring the kid who's staring at him with skepticism. 

“Buck…” Eddie says softly and before he can say anything more Buck quickly leaves so he can get the rest of the things for breakfast. Thankfully, Eddie doesn't say anything else and so Buck comes back and sets down a tub of butter and bottle of maple syrup on the table for Christopher to use for his pancakes.

“You better eat up you two, you’ve got a long day ahead of you,” Buck says with a pained smile. Thankfully, Chris doesn't notice the pain he's in. 

“Thank you, Buck,” Christopher says as he reaches across the table to fork a few pancakes onto his plate. Buck watches carefully as Eddie does the same and then Buck takes one for himself, despite the churning in his stomach telling him not to eat.

Christopher finishes eating with a wide and sticky smile spread across his sweet cheeks and he politely asks for a wet wipe to clean himself off.

Eddie is the one closest to the container and so he hands Christopher the cloth to clean up before it's time to take him to school. When Eddie and Christopher continue talking amongst themselves, Buck decides that he needs to keep busy to keep his mind from dwelling on the fact that Eddie had hit him last night, so he gets up and takes his and Christopher’s empty plate into the kitchen to get started on the dishes. 

It's not a hassle for Buck to clean up, so he gladly takes up the task, keeping an ear out for Christopher and Eddie on the other side of the room. 

“Why don’t you start getting ready for school now,” Eddie says as he helps Christopher from off his chair.

“Okay, Dad,” Chris says, bidding another loud thank you to Buck for breakfast as he walks down the hall to his bedroom.

Buck figures that Eddie doesn't follow, so he keeps his back turned as he carefully washes the dishes, cleaning to keep himself distracted while Eddie stands outside the kitchen doorframe and hovering behind him.

“Can we please not talk about this with Christopher in the other room.” Buck pleads as he turns around to face Eddie. He’s almost expecting him to hit him again, to get it out of his system while Christopher is otherwise preoccupied with getting ready for the day. But thankfully, Eddie doesn't hit him again. 

“Okay,” Eddie says, voice dry. “But I want to talk about this later.”

“I’d rather not…” Buck says quietly, avoiding eye contact as much as he can with Eddie staring him down like he's the one who's done something wrong.

“Buck, please…” Eddie’s voice is soft and his eyes are glazed over with tears. Buck hates seeing Eddie so distraught but can't bring himself to comfort his friend after what happened. 

  
But then Eddie decides to test the waters between them and he reaches out to Buck once more and Buck has to do everything in his power to keep himself from flinching or from stepping away entirely to avoid any physical contact with the man standing in front of him.

“I want to make this right,” Eddie says, fighting back a sob. 

Buck doesn't do anything nor says anything then. But God does he want to tell Eddie to fuck off or tell him he’s already forgiven him, he doesn’t know which one yet, but luckily for him Christopher calls out for Eddie from his bedroom, relieving Buck of his presence long enough to get back to the chores without feeling like he needs to hide under the covers like a scared child. 

Buck quickly cleans up the rest of breakfast while Eddie helps Christopher get ready and figures that he'll need to go to the store sometime today to buy concealer. Because as angry and hurt as he is, he won't get Eddie in trouble at work tomorrow for hitting him.

About ten minutes later, Buck notices that it’s time for Eddie to take Christopher to school so that he can make it to work on time. He wipes his hands on the hand towel hanging from the oven handle and then goes out to the hallway to say goodbye to Christopher.

“Have a good day at school buddy,” Buck says as he engulfs Christopher in a hug. “And tell Carla hi for me when she picks you up later.” He adds before pressing a kiss to the top of Christopher’s head.

“Bye-bye Buck,” Christopher says as they let go of each other. "Hope your face feels better soon." 

Buck smiles, and though the action hurts, he still does it for Chris and then gently ruffles the top of his head, making a slight mess of the bronze curls on the boy's head and getting hair gel in between his fingers in the process. 

“Bye Buck,” Eddie says from the doorway, holding onto Christopher’s backpack in his hands.

Buck doesn’t say much to Eddie, only gives him a curt nod so that Christopher doesn’t think anything is wrong.

But then innocently, Christopher says,

“Dad, you gotta give Buck a goodbye hug too.”

Buck swallows hard but doesn’t change his expression.

“I don’t think Buck wants a goodbye hug from me today kiddo,” Eddie says truthfully.

“Why not?” Christopher asks.

Buck opens his mouth to say something, but at the moment, he is at a loss of words. He just hopes Eddie doesn't say anything to upset Chris. 

“That’s a very complicated question…” Eddie says, voice trailing off as if he's thinking about what to say next. “But you know sometimes people don’t want hugs all the time. Like that girl Kassidy in your class, she doesn’t like hugs at all and that’s okay, because…”

“Because touching people without permission is wrong,” Christopher says automatically.

“Exactly kiddo.” Eddie says, gently patting Chris on his shoulder, “now let’s go, we wouldn’t want for you to be late today.”

Christopher nods in agreement and then he and Eddie leave out the door. Christopher yells another “bye Bucky” from the front porch before the door is closed shut leaving Buck alone in the house.

Buck waits a moment before moving, he hears the truck in the driveway start-up and slowly he leaves from the spot he's standing in at the front of the door before he dashes into the area between the living room and the dining room to search for his phone which fell out of his hand during the initial fight with Eddie last night.

The phone's screen is cracked, and the battery is low, but Buck doesn’t care about the condition his phone is in, he can easily replace it, he just needs to quickly send a text because he knows that if he stays cooped up in the house all day waiting for Carla to return with Christopher, he might literally go crazy and may do something to himself he could quickly come to regret later. 

** _Buck:_ **

** _Do you have work today?_ **

He only has to wait about a minute for a response.

** _Maddie:_ **

** _No, I have today off._ **

** _Why?_ **

Buck thinks about what he wants to say but realizes those things would be better said in person. So, he decides to keep it vague.

** _Buck:_ **

** _I just need to talk to you about something._ **

** _I’ll be over there in 20._ **

** **

Buck doesn’t even wait for a response, he just grabs his car keys and hurries out of the house, not bothering to cover up or change as he jumps into the driver's seat of his Jeep. He just needs to get out of the house now and forget that this ever happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like angst, sue me. 
> 
> Also, I wrote this before tonight's episode, so like it's canon complicit, but not really lol. 
> 
> Anyway, hope yall enjoyed! I also hope to have the whole fic out by next week!


	2. Talk Me Down

_Street fighting?" _ _Buck says, his voice quiet and strained. _

_"It's nothing." Eddie hisses. He doesn't want to deal with Buck asking him questions right now. If Eddie had just let Carla know he was going to be late then he wouldn’t have to listen to Buck yell at him right now. But because Buck saw him walk through the door intoxicated and looking worse for wear, they suddenly got to arguing and now, Eddie just wants it to stop._

_"It’s not nothing.” Buck snaps. “Dammit Eddie, don't be dense, you were out street fighting, that shit is fucking illegal." _

_"So?" Is all Eddie says because he really doesn’t want to talk right now._

_"So?" Buck sputters and his hands fly in the air. "So? So, you could get your ass arrested, **again**, and you could end up in jail and then what? What would happen to Christopher? CPS would have to take him away and then you end up rotting away in some dirty jail cell sending Chris nothing more than shitty birthday and Christmas cards for the next decade?"_

_"That's not going to happen," Eddie says, pushing past Buck and heading into the dining room. Eventually he’ll make his way into the kitchen to get some water but for now, he has to listen to Buck yell at him for doing absolutely nothing wrong._

_But Eddie is too tired to continue listening, he just wants to go to bed before he has to wake up tomorrow for work. _

_"But you don't know that for sure!" Buck yells at him, making his head pound even more than it already does. Buck could be such a headache._

_"Oh?” Eddie quickly spins around so he’s face to face with Buck. “You're one to talk since you never think about the consequences of your actions either Buck." _

_“This isn’t about me.”_

_“Isn’t it always about you though?”_

_"And so, we're on this again, wonderful," Buck says rolling his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest. "I told you I'm sorry, and hell sober you forgave me, but I guess alcohol really does tell the truth huh?" _

_Eddie rubs his temples with his fingers, he can’t keep arguing with Buck about the same thing, even if he still wants to._

_“I’m done talking Buck.”_

_“No, you’re not, we still have to talk about why the hell you decided street fighting was a good idea.”_

_Eddie is moments away from punching something, he just hopes he doesn’t make too big a dent in the wall when he does. _

_"Could you just shut up about the fighting, I'm fine!"_

_"I noticed the bruises on my first day back, Ed, you're hurt and you are shit at hiding it." _

_"Fuck off Buck, I don't need you lecturing me," Eddie says as he moves into the kitchen. He could really use a drink that's not alcoholic right now._

_"Well someone has to." _

_"I'm doing this for my own good Buck, you wouldn't understand," Eddie says as he takes a cup laying out on the drying wrack in his hands and fills it up with water. He drinks while Buck speaks._

_"Like hell I wouldn't understand. Just fucking talk to me Eddie! I'm your friend and I'm here now, you can tell me anything..." _

_"But you weren't here for us before, for me or Christopher, for weeks Buck we fucking missed you and we couldn’t do anything to get you back to us." _

_Buck swallows sadly and Eddie frowns. _

_"I'm not taking back my forgiveness, but I'm still so fucking angry at you Buck, and on top of that I'm angry at the whole fucking world too." _

_"But why, why are you so angry?" Buck asks him, the tone changing in his voice from irritated to concerned. _

_But Eddie doesn’t care, he doesn’t want to hear Buck lecturing him and he just wants to go to bed._

_"It doesn’t matter why." _

_"Dammit Eddie, could you just talk to me, please, so I can help you and keep you from going to those damn fights?" _

_"But I like going to the fights and I want to keep going to them." Sure, his argument makes him sound childish, but he couldn’t care less right now._

_"That doesn’t matter Eddie, it's not healthy, it's dangerous, it's illegal…”_

_Buck’s rant goes on for about a couple of minutes but Eddie doesn't listen. Instead, he just drowns out Buck's words, staring blankly at his friend who obviously knows he’s being ignored now._

_“Can you please just listen to me?" Buck pleads._

_"Not when you're lecturing me," Eddie responds._

_Buck throws his hands up in frustration._

_"Do you want Christopher to be taken away from you? Do you want to lose your job? Do you want to go to jail?"_

_"Would you just shut up and stop bringing Christopher into this, it has nothing to do with him." _

_"But it does Eddie! This has everything to do with Christopher and you're acting too stupid and blind to fucking see that." _

_"Drop it, Buck," Eddie says as the steam in his system begins to rise. If only he were still at the fight club, he could just take this new anger out on someone there._

_"No. I won't. You need to listen to me." _

_"And you need to drop the subject and leave," Eddie says as he throws the cup into the sink and makes his way out the kitchen. He’ll walk Buck to the door if he needs, and then kick his ass outside if he has to even go that far to get some peace._

_"I'm not going anywhere with you like this," Buck says as he chases after him._

_Eddie’s about at his limit now with Buck and he stops in his tracks to let the other man know that._

_"You're so fucking stubborn!" Eddie yells, almost a little too loudly for three o'clock in the morning. "You need to back off Buck and let me do what I need to do, okay?"_

_Buck doesn't say anything and though he’s about to, Eddie isn't finished yet. He feels the rage boiling over and it spills out and now there's no way to put out the fires anymore._

_"You get your job back and your friends back and you're still so exhausting Buck!” Eddie shouts, a little too loudly in retrospect. “And on top of that, you’re even more fucking high maintenance than before! For once, can't you just let something go and stop playing the hero? Maybe butting out will do you some good, haven't you ever thought about that?" _

_Buck opens his mouth to talk back again but Eddie doesn't want to hear it. _

_"I said shut up!" He yells and his fist suddenly swings at Buck's unsuspecting face. _

_The action happens too fast for Eddie’s conscious to stop him from hitting Buck. But once the punch lands, Eddie watches as the brightness in Buck’s blue eyes drain away into dull nothingness._

_Eddie stares, wide-eyed, as Buck falls to the floor in a catatonic state. When he starts crying, Eddie's anger shifts. He's no longer angry at Buck or the world for that matter because now he’s angry with himself._

Eddie replays the memory multiple times on his way to work, feeling the pit of dread in his stomach growing deeper with every passing minute. He should have never done what he’d done to Buck, he wouldn’t be surprised if the man hated his guts and no longer wanted to be friends anymore. Sure, it would break Eddie’s heart to lose Buck again, but there’s a voice in his head telling him that he’s broken Buck’s heart even more.

When Eddie saw the sheer look of terror in Buck’s eyes after he’d hit him, he knew, there was no possibility of going back from that. But there was more to that look, Eddie could tell that something more was there, Buck’s horror was instinctive, his reactions were adept, it seemed like he’d been hit by someone he loved before.

But love is a stretch, Eddie knows. Buck loves Christopher, of course, but Eddie also thinks that there’s something unspoken between him and Buck. But now? That thing is long gone because Eddie messed up everything.

When Eddie gets to the station he’s greeted by the team and, of course, he puts on a mask thick enough to make sure no one suspects anything. Eddie just hopes that he can go on with his day without any issues.

They get a call about 10 minutes later, a woman and her daughter were biking to school when a businessman in an expensive car ran the daughter over with his car. Thankfully, the little girl was going to be okay.

When they return, Eddie’s pain can no longer be masked by the distraction of a call, so he decides to go workout at the little make-shift gym under the stairs. He puts on his boxing gloves and lets off some steam.

Eddie’s beating the punching bag, trying to keep himself from thinking about what happened, and not noticing Lena walking up to him with a concerned look on her face.

“Christ, I thought you went out last night,” Lena says as she enters the training room with her arms crossed over her chest. “I figured you would have at least gotten it out of your system by then.”

Eddie doesn’t answer her, instead, he keeps at it, hitting the punching bag and imagining his own face on it. He was careless, stupid, and a horrible friend to Buck and now, he doesn’t know what he can do to fix the mess he’s made.

Then he punches the punching bag so hard that it nearly falls off the hook. But then Eddie stops and blinks as sweat drips down the sides of his face and nose. He stops because he suddenly sees Buck’s face on the punching bag now and the anger he’s feeling toward himself disappears and is quickly replaced with dread and guilt.

Lena is still watching him, her eyes full of worry, and finally, Eddie lets himself speak.

“Lena,” He whispers. “I fucked up.”

“What do you mean?” She asks, confusion tangled in her tone.

Eddie doesn’t have time to respond when suddenly Lena’s eyes widen and she quickly pushes Eddie out of earshot of Chimney who’s been working out on the elliptical beside them.

“Please tell me you didn’t hurt anyone outside the club?” She asks.

Eddie can’t stop the muffled sob from escaping his lips.

“Goddammit Diaz,” Lena says. “You know the number one rule of the club is to keep the fighting inside the club.”

“I know that!” Eddie nearly shouts but quickly composes himself. “But when I got home last night I was still so angry and I was drunk and I—I—”

He can’t finish saying it, he can’t own up to the fact he hit his best friend.

“Please don’t tell me you hurt your son,” Lena says, interrupting Eddie’s spiral into shame.

Eddie shakes his head before responding,

“No, no, he was asleep, thank god.” Eddie sighs and goes to rub his face with his hands but soon realizes he can’t because he’s still got the boxing gloves on.

“Then who did you hit? Your grandmother? Your aunt?”

“No…neither of them…I got home and Buck had come over because Carla had to leave and someone needed to watch Christopher.” Eddie swallows his shame and continues. “So, when he saw me he kept asking me about the bruises and kept telling me I could lose Christopher if I got arrested again for fighting and I couldn’t take the lecturing, because I knew he was right, but I just snapped and I—”

“You hit him.”

Eddie nods and feels like he’s being sucker-punched in the gut confessing all of this to Lena, he feels like he’s at church giving a confession, he feels like he needs to go to church to give a confession before he allows himself anywhere near Buck. But most of all, he just wishes there was a way he can take back what happened, but he knows that’s damn near impossible. He can only try to show Buck just how sorry he is and hopes they can move on from there.

“I’m sorry,” Lena says in a quiet voice and effectively taking Eddie out of his self-deprecating thoughts. “I thought it wouldn’t…” She pauses and sighs. “I was just trying to help you out, I didn’t mean for you to hurt anyone close to you, but I guess my idea didn’t work so well in the end huh?”

Eddie notices how apologetic Lena looks for introducing him to street fighting, but he doesn’t blame her, he can’t because she’s not the one at fault here, he is. And Eddie knows that she was just trying to be a good friend and help him out anyway.

“It’s not your fault,” Eddie says with a pained smile. “I know your heart was in the right place.”

“You’re going to have to do a lot of kissing up to make Buckley forgive you.” Lena then says with a tiny smile, trying to lighten the mood.

Eddie nods, knowing that he’s going to have to beg for forgiveness from Buck every day for the rest of his life if it means getting his best friend back.

And Eddie wonders, if the rest of the team finds out? Then Eddie would be in even more trouble and he wouldn’t be able to handle the angry and disappointed looks.

“I think I’m going to need to ban myself from the club, permanently,” Eddie says as he tries to keep himself from spiraling further.

“I completely understand, and if I may, I totally take back what I said about therapy, I think you might actually benefit from it.”

Lena offers Eddie a pat on his arm and Eddie nods, knowing that if he had just done that in the first place, then he wouldn’t have ended up hurting Buck and things between them would still be okay.

**~*~*~**

Buck usually is the kind of guy to have the radio on as he drives. But he’s not in the mood for America’s top 40 hits right now. So, he drives in complete silence and tries to hurry while also not getting himself pulled over or in an accident.

Buck arrives at Maddie and Chim’s apartment complex and hopes Chimney had a shift today because he really doesn’t want anyone else finding out about this. He just needs someone to talk to.

Buck hesitates before knocking on the door to Maddie and Chim’s place. He feels like Maddie might make the situation something it’s not, use her experience with Doug to try to get him to press charges on Eddie for hitting him. But he doesn’t want to do that because he still loves Eddie and wouldn’t want to hurt Christopher.

Finally, Buck gets the courage to knock and then he stands there, waiting patiently for his sister to answer the door for him.

He doesn’t have to wait long before the front door of the apartment flies open and Maddie is immediately ushering him inside.

“Evan, what happened?” She asks as she makes Buck sit down at the kitchen table and then goes over to the cabinet in the kitchen where she keeps the first aid kit.

“I—” Buck starts but can’t form the words. He feels small, vulnerable, helpless, and he hates it. “I don’t know how to explain…” He manages to force himself to say.

Maddie hums in affirmation and offers Buck a small smile before saying,

“Take your time, I’ve got you.”

Buck allows a few tears to fall, remembering the times when Maddie would come out of her room and pick him up off the ground after their father finished beating him and went to go sleep off the alcohol on the couch.

Maddie is slow and careful as she sets the first aid kit on the tabletop and then gently pulls Buck in for a hug, wrapping her arms around Buck’s shoulders and gently stroking his hair, much like she had done on those nights Buck remembers getting his ribs bruised and his lip busted up.

Buck holds Maddie close, crying wet ugly tears now into the material of her shirt, and hopes he doesn’t permanently damage it.

Once his tears mostly die down, Maddie sits down in front of him and carefully checks out the bruising along his face. Her touch, though gentle, is painful, and he winces as her small fingers softly poke and prod at his face.

“Nothing’s broken.” She says once she’s made her assessment of his injuries. “But both sides of your face are extremely bruised and you’re lucky you didn’t pop a vessel anywhere.” She sighs and takes his hands into hers. “I need to know who hit you, Evan, so we can call Athena and run an investigation or so you can press charges.”

Buck rapidly shakes his head; he can’t do either of that. He doesn’t want to press charges because he doesn’t want to hurt Eddie, and he doesn’t want to hurt Christopher either because the boy’s already lost so much in such a short time; he shouldn’t have to lose his father too.

It isn’t until he looks up to see Maddie crying that he realizes he’s said all that out loud.

“Eddie did this?” Maddie asks him as she reaches out to touch his face again. But Buck shies away from her touch and stares down at his folded hands in his lap in shame. He wants to avoid this conversation just as much as he needs to vent about it because he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s never had this happen before and he’s not sure there are guide books for people getting decked in the face by their best friend who happens to be their crush on top of that.

But Buck hasn’t said anything about his crush on Eddie to anyone, and now, he doesn’t think he’ll get to. He doesn’t know what to make of their relationship now. If Eddie decides to keep street fighting, Buck might not want to end up dating someone so violent. He might not want to even be friends with him anymore either. And he might go and pull something stupid too, maybe this time he’ll try to sue Eddie for custody of Christopher to avoid what he knows will happen once Eddie gets his ass thrown in prison.

“Buck…” Maddie whispers, bringing him out of his head. “You need to know you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I egged him on,” Buck mutters, finally finding his voice again. “I just kept berating him for showing up drunk at his home at three in the morning, a whole five hours late from when he told Carla he’d be home.”

“Evan, you can’t think like that…”

Buck bites his lip and looks up at his sister with a wounded stare.

“But it was my fault Mads, you gotta believe me.”

“It was not your fault,” Maddie says, her tone now more stern than before. “Do you think that it was my fault when Doug hit me?”

“No, but—”

“But nothing Buck.” Maddie cuts him off. “Eddie hit you.” She says. “Goddammit Buck, Eddie hit you and yet you think you’re at fault, that’s not right.” She’s crying more now and Buck hates that he’s made his sister cry, he should have never come here. He should have just let it go.

“Buck, have you even seen your face yet?”

Buck shakes his head, silently answering Maddie’s question.

Maddie sighs and takes out her phone, she presses around on the screen and opens up her camera app. She then takes the phone and snaps a photo of Buck before she flips the camera over to selfie mode and holds the phone up to capture Buck’s face for him.

Buck isn’t too shocked to find out the marks are as bad as they feel.

His left cheek is covered in a deep dark purple bruise and his right cheek doesn’t fare any better. But the bruise there is lighter in color and is higher up than the other one since that’s the one he got when the impact of Eddie’s punch made the side of his head hit the wall.

“Eddie did this to you Buck, and this is the same shit Dad pulled on you when we were young.” She adds through clenched teeth.

Buck swallows hard, staring at himself with two giant bruises on his face and tears streaming down his cheeks was not something he wanted to see ever again. He can’t bear to look at his reflection any longer and so he looks away.

“It was an accident.” He then finds himself muttering.

“But was it really Buck? I mean, I told myself the same thing when it was Doug, and Mom said it too when it was Dad” Maddie points out. “Eddie did it once, what makes you think he won’t do it again?”

Buck doesn’t say anything because deep down, he knows Maddie is right. Their mom did make that excuse with their dad, and Maddie went around and said the same thing about Doug. And as much as he trusts and loves Eddie, he’s not so sure how far this rage he’s been harboring with go and if Buck isn’t careful, this won’t be the last time it happens.

“But what if I give him another chance? Does that make me stupid?”

“No.” Maddie quickly says. “It just makes you a kind person. But as soon as it does happen again, and you forgive him again, it will start to cycle and that’s when it gets bad.”

Buck nods, biting his lip.

“I don’t think he’ll do it again, he’s not like dad, he’s not like Doug…”

Maddie doesn’t say anything, just nods along with what he says.

“I just feel stupid for letting this happen though.”

“You aren’t stupid and there is nothing for you to feel ashamed about, Eddie should be ashamed for hurting you, it’s his fault, not yours.”

Buck nods again and sighs. He wipes away the dried tears from his cheeks as gently as possible with his shirt, still dirty from yesterday, and he lets Maddie take his hand again.

“I just—I just needed someone to talk to,” Buck says as he finally feels like he can speak more than a few words again. “When it happened…when Eddie hit me…” He forces himself to say those words because he needs to be able to get past this with him eventually. “When Eddie hit me, I was suddenly back at home with Dad and—and it sucked Maddie.” He says as a whimper escapes his throat. “I thought I had escaped that after I left, but then it all came back and I was madder at him for triggering old memories than I was mad at him for hitting me.” He can’t stop the next round of tears that come and so he doesn’t.

Maddie, now crying again with him, takes Buck into her arms once more and lets him cry on her shoulder until he can no longer shed any more tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy so many of you like my story! I just don't have the words for how grateful I am! Thank you all so much! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Also, happy Halloween!


	3. Set it Off

Maddie is angry.

She’s angry all over again at her father for the abuse he put Buck through in his youth, she’s angry for Buck who thinks that Eddie hitting him is still somehow his fault, and she’s angry at Eddie for hurting her brother in the first place.

But Maddie can’t be angry, at least not yet, because she needs to help Buck first.

Once they’ve both calmed down, Maddie helps Buck clean up his face by carefully using a disinfectant on whatever area of his wound that she can use it on without hurting Buck any further. She then takes a moment to thank God that he’s not as hurt as he could be right now. But she is also aware that his injury looks worse than it probably is because of the blood thinners he’s on. Thankfully, he can’t bleed out from a bruise, but his face will look like someone spilled blueberry juice all over it.

Once they’re finished, Maddie lets Buck use the shower and borrow a pair of Chimney’s sweats—albeit short on him—as well as one of her hoodies she knows will fit his slender upper body. After Buck’s done showering, Maddie makes him a light meal, since he admitted to not have had eaten much at breakfast this morning. She makes him a bowl of honey nut cheerios cereal and lightly buttered toast and hopes that it won’t mess with his stomach too much.

Thankfully, Buck eats most of what’s in front of him before yawning and proclaiming he’s tired.

Maddie then decides to help Buck to bed, letting him nap in the guest room. She sets him up with a bunch of pillows and soft blankets, making him feel comfortable before handing him two extra-strength Tylenol followed by two Tylenol PMs. She waits for the medication to settle in Buck’s system and hopes that he will be able to rest soundly for the day.

Maddie, calm and composed as ever, tends to the dishes in the kitchen as she tries to figure out what she should do to help her brother. Something deep inside her wants to rip Edmundo Diaz’s head off his shoulders and while that may seem like the best option, she knows that hurting Eddie would only hurt Buck in the long run.

Maddie hears Buck begin to snore from the guest room and so she goes back into the room to check on him. He’s out like a light and she looks over to see Buck’s phone light up, someone’s texted him and though she wants to snoop, she keeps her eyes to herself. Instead, Maddie takes in the view of the crack screen on the phone which likely from the fight Buck and Eddie had last night.

A deep set of dread settles in her system as she remembers the time she and Doug had fought over Maddie using Facebook to keep in contact with Buck. It was during the fight that he accused her of cheating on him with another man. And though she had denied his allegations, Doug had been unconvinced and even angrier at her for lying to him. He yelled at her for an hour before she tried to show him proof she was faithful which only made him slap her across the face and then slap the phone out of her hand, watching as it shattered on the tile floor.

That was the last time she had a cell phone for a long time.

Sighing, Maddie plugs in Buck’s phone to the charger by the bed and decides her next plan of action. She gets herself ready in slightly more appropriate street clothes since she isn’t about to make a scene in sweats. Then she quickly leaves Buck a note on the nightstand telling him that she went out to get a few things before she heads out of her apartment with only one thing on her mind, kicking Eddie Diaz’s ass.

Maddie calmly pulls up to the side of the station, careful not to park directly in the driveway in case the team needs to get out for a call and then she gets out of her car. She swings her purse over her shoulder and calmly walks into the station, a plastic smile plastered on her face.

She knows that it’s just past brunch which means she also knows where the team is. She finds them sitting on the couches upstairs, calmly talking amongst themselves and making casual conversation. And though it almost pains her to ruin their blissful moment, she also needs to give Eddie a piece of her mind.

Maddie is meticulous as she walks up the stairs, flashing Chimney a kind and loving smile as he’s the first one to see her come up.

“Hey, babe.” Chimney calls, getting up from the couch to greet her at the top of the stairs. “What are you doing here?”

“I just had something to give to Eddie.” She says as she gets closer to the man who hurt her brother.

Maddie sees that Eddie is talking with Bobby and Hen—like nothing has happened, like he’s done nothing wrong—when she comes up to him, cool, calm, and collected. It doesn’t seem like she’s about to do what she is about to do, which is good, because she doesn’t want Eddie to suspect she knows yet. But then Eddie looks at her and she can see the guilt and pain in his eyes for a moment before her fist flies in the direction of his face.

Everyone else around her gets up immediately, all in various stages of shock.

Maddie shakes her hand, feeling the impact of her punch sting in her knuckles, and doesn’t bother to explain herself. That’s not her job here.

“Maddie, what the hell?” Chimney yells from behind her.

“Maddie, I need you to tell me why you thought it was a good idea to punch Eddie,” Bobby asks her. His tone is understanding yet serious and she always did find it irritating how well the guy managed stressful situations without choosing a side to be on. He’s a damn good mediator and would likely make a good Judge if he wanted to.

“Maddie.” Hen says quietly, “Let me take a look at your hand.” She says as she reaches out to her.

“My hand is fine Hen.” She spits, quickly stuffing her hands inside the pockets of her jacket, to keep her from continuously punching Eddie. She just wanted to do it once, to show him that Buck has someone who will fight for him on his side when he wouldn’t fight for himself. She knows it’s what he would have done for her with Doug had he known the severity of the situation then.

“Okay, fine…” Hen sighs. “Eddie, do you need me too look at you?”

Eddie shakes his head but doesn’t speak. He just looks ashamed, like how a dog who bit his owner would, and that just pisses her off. But Maddie continues to suppress the urge to lash out at the man sitting in front of her. 

“Then could you please tell us why you needed to give Eddie a fist to the face?” Chimney asks her, placing his hands on his hips.

“Because he deserves it!” Maddie yells, unable to keep herself from going off like a bomb. “After what he did to Buck? He deserves that and so much worse!”

Maddie’s outburst earns her three pairs of confused and concerned looks.

“What do you mean, Maddie? What happened between Eddie and Buck?” Hen asks as she looks between Maddie and Eddie.

Finally, Eddie reacts. He stands up but doesn’t say anything, instead he rubs the side of his jaw as if he’s re-adjusting it after the hard punch Maddie delivered to it.

“Go on Eddie,” Maddie says patronizingly. “Tell them what you did to Buck, or,” she pauses and goes to reach for her cell phone in her back pocket, “would you rather I show them?” She asks as she quickly opens her phone to the photo she’d taken of Buck earlier.

However, Eddie doesn’t object, nor does he give her an okay to show them the photo. Everyone around her are still in various states of confusion and worry, looking between Maddie and Eddie as the two of them stare at each other.

With no answer from Eddie, Maddie decides to turn her phone around to show the others the photo.

Bobby’s face twists in what Maddie can only decipher as sadness, his jaw clenches, and he folds his arms over his chest, letting out a deep sigh of air from his lungs. From the corner of her eyes, she sees Chimney’s mouth falls open and he stares at the photo, worry settling deep into his caring eyes. In front of her, Hen’s hand quickly goes to cover her mouth, as if to stop her from saying something or from gasping too loudly, as she too stares at the picture with concern.

Maddie doesn’t bother to see what Eddie’s reaction is, because she doesn’t want to see it.

“God damn Eddie,” Hen breathes, being the first one to speak up as she gently takes Maddie’s phone in her hands—like it is somehow actually Buck that she’s delicately holding in her hands—and she zooms in on the photo, biting her lip as she takes in every detail. “I know you’re still a little angry at him for the lawsuit stunt, but I thought you two had mostly worked past that.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, nor does he even try defending himself as the rest of the team looks to him with clear anger and disappointment.

Eddie’s inability to speak and own up to what he did just makes Maddie want to punch him again. She’s tempted to but tries to keep herself from doing it, because she doesn’t need to get herself in trouble for helping Buck.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie finally says, his eyes flashing in the direction of Maddie’s phone. His apology is far too quiet for anyone to really hear him though.

Maddie feels the rage boiling once more and she is about to hit Eddie again, but she can’t because before she can even move closer to him, Chimney gently grabs a hold of her mid-section from behind and hugs her tight, to keep her from doing any more harm to the other man.

And that’s when the tears start coming again.

“You hit my brother!” She cries, no longer worried about the other teams in the 118 station listening in on them. “And he thinks it’s his fault.” She stammers, shaking violently as she speaks. Her heart breaks for her brother for all the times he’s been hurt in his life. She couldn’t have stopped it as a young and naïve teenager, she knows this now, but she’s an adult finally and she is much more capable of standing up for her brother than she had been in the past.

“Eddie, is this true?” Bobby asks as he takes the phone from Hen, staring at the picture closer now with wide eyes.

“Yes, Cap,” Eddie says with a clenched jaw; like he can’t even admit to hurting Buck.

“Why did you hit him?” Chimney calmly asks from behind Maddie.

Eddie opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. He doesn’t say a damn thing and Maddie can’t take it anymore.

“The least you can do is explain yourself,” Maddie mutters. “God knows Buck isn’t going to come here and make a scene like me.” She continues. “And that’s because he’s more terrified of hurting Christopher than standing up for himself for once in his life.”

With each word she says, Maddie can feel herself crumbling in Chim’s arms. She can’t stop herself from crying and she is thankful that he’s here to hold her back, she knows she can always count on him to ground her.

“I never meant to hurt him,” Eddie says, his voice cracking. “Maddie you have to know that…”

“But you did hurt him.” She hisses, interrupting whatever Eddie was going to say after that.

“I’m sorry.” He says again and Maddie scoffs, like sorry somehow magically makes it all better again. But Eddie continues speaking, “I have no excuse for my actions…” This time, Eddie’s statement is spoken to everyone around him. He sighs before adding, “I just need Buck to know that I’m sorry…and he needs to know it will never happen again.”

Maddie laughs because she’s _never_ heard _that_ promise before.

Maddie can remember, in the beginning, each time that Doug told her those exact words, promising he would never hurt her again and apologizing for his actions. She can even replay the exact scene in her head of the first time he hit her and then immediately promised it would never happen again.

But then it did happen again, not even two weeks after the first time it did and then it continued to happen for years until she finally had enough. And Maddie is not going to allow for this to get any farther than it’s already gone. She’s stopping whatever it is at the beginning because her brother does not deserve to be hurt again, especially by somebody who is supposed to love him.

“That’s what they all say.” She whispers once she’s finished laughing at Eddie’s statement. “And then it happens again, and again, and again…until the person getting hurt is no longer a person anymore.” Her voice cracks and she can feel Chimney squeeze her tightly for comfort and reassurance.

The room around them then grows silent and Maddie finally lets herself pull away from Chimney’s hold. He quickly reaches out for her, worried that she’s going to hit Eddie again, but she doesn’t. Instead, she moves away from Eddie and stands beside Chimney, taking his hand into hers and holding it tight as she bites her lip before speaking up once more.

“It happened once, who’s to say it won’t happen again?” She seriously asks him, because she knows now, what he’s capable of. “I mean, Buck told me that _you_ said yourself you’ve been angry at the world and him for months. And I get it, Buck pulled a dumbass stunt with that lawsuit, but he apologized and made up for it and everyone here was the bigger person and forgave him, even you to an extent. But then you went and harbored those feelings of anger and then you hit him, so don’t blame me when I say this,”

Maddie pauses and then she steps up to Eddie while she’s still holding onto Chimney’s hand. “I will not hesitate to really kick your ass if you ever hurt my brother again, and you and everyone else here already knows just exactly what I’m capable of doing when it comes to protecting myself and others.”

Eddie swallows before nodding.

“I’m not letting this go any farther.” Maddie quickly adds. “You’re not going to become his Doug.”

It’s after the words fall from her lips that Maddie knows, realistically, that Buck and Eddie’s relationship isn’t anything like her and Doug’s relationship was. They’re best friends. Best friends who have been dancing around each other for months, sure, but still just friends.

Maddie only says that so the impact of her words would strike Eddie and make him really think about what he did wrong.

And from the look on Eddie’s face, it seems she’s done her part.

“I’m not like—I wouldn’t let it get that far.” He quickly says, tears slowly streaming down his face.

“But you already did.” She says as she kindly takes her phone back from Bobby who’s been staring at it this whole time. “You crossed that line the moment you hit him.”

Eddie just stares at her, his mouth hung open and his eyes wide and full of unshed tears. From the terrified look on his face, Maddie knows she’s gotten her point across to him, and though her hand still stings, she also knows that she’s knocked some sense into that man as well.

Maddie smiles sadly at the others, apologizes quietly for causing a scene at work, and then goes to pull Chimney away to give him a quick kiss before deciding she should head home.

Maddie has nothing more to say anyway, and so she makes her leave out of the station. Leaving the rest of the team to deal with Eddie themselves.

**~*~*~*~**

Eddie can’t look the others in the face. He knows he screwed up, and now he’s going to have to take whatever the rest of the team decides to dish on him for hurting one of their own.

But it’s silent until Maddie leaves the station, the bearing of her words floating in the air around them and hanging on Eddie’s head, weighing him down with even more sorrow and shame than before. And though it is quiet for a while, Eddie can feel everyone’s angry eyes on him and that’s all the confirmation he needs to tell him that he’s going to have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do, and he won’t have an easy time doing it either.

“What did you do?” Bobby finally asks, turning towards him and finally breaking the silence between them.

Eddie looks up, to meet their eyes, or else he won’t be able to explain without it appearing that he doesn’t feel extremely guilty for hurting Buck.

Eddie then sighs, bites his lip, and swallows hard.

“I was dealing with some things in a very unhealthy way…” Eddie starts. “I joined a fight club.” He says and purposefully doesn’t mention that Lena introduced him to the fight club because he won’t throw her under the bus for his mistakes.

“Like an actual fight club?” Chimney asks and Eddie nods. “Like a 'first rule about fight club is to not talk about fight club', fight club?” Chimney asks for clarification and Eddie nods again.

“Did Buck show up to this fight club?” Hen asks and Eddie shakes his head.

“No, he was at home with Christopher last night,” Eddie tells them. “And I know it’s not an excuse, but I was drunk…” Eddie says and he can see Bobby flinch out of the corner of his eyes but tries not to dwell on that “and I was so angry because I lost and I was tired and just wanted to go to bed.” Eddie stops to see the others react to his explanation.

Both Chimney and Hen are visibly disgusted, that much he knows. But Bobby is harder to read, but he knows that the man, his captain, is upset because he knows Buck is like a son to him and Eddie hurt him. So, he knows there’s no way that he’s going to be let off the hook so easily and with just a quick apology and promise. And he shouldn’t be because he doesn’t deserve their forgiveness yet, nor does he deserves Buck’s. But he wants them all to know he’s not a monster so that he can keep the friends he’s made over the past year.

Eddie swallows down what’s left of his anxiety to continue telling the team what happened last night. “And when I got home, Buck noticed I was hurt and he was asking me all these questions and when I told him what I was doing he got so worried and told me all these reasons why I should stop,” he pauses and sighs once more,” but I didn’t want to listen, because I knew he was right and…”

“And?” Chimney bites out.

“And something inside me snapped, I was so pissed at him for being right but I was even more pissed at myself for being stupid, and I was drunk and I was tired and I took it out on Buck,” Eddie says with a confidence that almost scares him.

The others look at him, waiting for him to continue, and Eddie only hopes that

“I said some fucked up things to him first…and then I hit him…I punched him so hard that the force of that punch made him hit the other side of his head against the wall and once I realized what I’d done? It was too late…” Eddie trails off and adverts his eyes, unable to say anything more.

Eddie doesn’t deserve sympathy from his friends for his actions, he knows this and they know it too. Eddie also knows he won’t be forgiven anytime soon. He also doesn't even need to guess what the others are feeling toward him right now is because he takes the team’s silence for what he's done to Buck for what it is.

_Anger._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting! I hope you've enjoyed this chapter!


	4. Broken Boys

Buck wakes up and notices that it’s already dark outside, he blames daylight savings for making him sleep in, but then he reminds himself he was up all night and then took sleeping pills to remedy that. He also knows that he’s going to need to fix his sleep schedule ASAP or else he won’t be in top shape for his shifts the rest of this week.

Stretching and slowly rolling out of bed, Buck plants his feet on the ugly blue shag carpeting Chimney and Maddie both agreed to buy when they moved in together and checks his phone; it’s 5:10 and so Buck figures he’ll go to bed at midnight and will wake up in time for his shift tomorrow, no harm, no foul.

Buck gets up from the bed and pads out of the guest room, slowly making his way into the kitchen so he can get some water.

He stops at the counter and reaches up to grab a glass from the cabinets, he doesn’t even try to reason with his sister’s logic of keeping her cups up too high for her to reach and figures she does it because it’s aesthetically convenient or she has the hots for Chimney reaching for them for her.

Buck then takes the glass to the sink and fills it with water, he brings the cup to his lips and downs the water quickly, not realizing just how parched he is. He refills the glass and drinks the water slower the second time around and lets out a content sound once he’s done.

After finishing another glass, Buck cleans out the cup with soap and water and then sets it out on the counter to dry.

Buck realizes that the apartment is quiet, a little too quiet, but Maddie didn’t leave him a note saying she went out and he didn’t have any texts from her either. He has a few texts from Eddie though, but that was it. And he’s not ready to reply to those messages just yet.

But then Buck looks up and sees that the entire team is quietly sitting in the living room and watching him like he’s some zoo animal on display.

“Uh, hey guys, what are you all doing here?” Buck asks them as he steps out of the kitchen and into the living room.

No one says anything at first, they just stare at him, and Buck will admit it’s a little unnerving, but then he remembers how his face looked in Maddie’s camera today, how the whole one side of his face was bruised where Eddie hit him and how the other side didn’t fare any better.

Buck feels the need to cover up, so he pulls Maddie’s hoodie over his head, trying to shield himself from overbearing eyes.

“Maddie came to the station earlier today,” Bobby suddenly begins, upon noticing Buck’s insecurity rise, “and she told us what happened between you and Eddie last night,” Bobby adds calmly.

Upon learning this though, Buck scowls and looks toward his sister who doesn’t seem at all guilty for telling the team his private business with Eddie. She really shouldn’t have overstepped but he’s not about to yell at her for that now, not with everyone here.

“I really appreciate the gesture,” Buck says, motioning his hands towards the team, “but I don’t think coming here to check on me was necessary.”

“We were just worried about you Buckaroo,” Hen says with a sad smile.

“They just wanted to make sure you’re okay,” Maddie adds quietly. “They’re just as angry with Eddie as I am, so you now know you have someone in your corner Buck, you’ve got us all for support, whatever you want, whatever you need, we’re here for you.”

Buck doesn’t know what to say, he’s touched, of course, but he’s also worried about Eddie, even though he shouldn’t be. But he can’t help himself. He wants to make sure his team is being unbiased, impartial, and that they know the whole story.

But he doesn’t know how much the team knows about the street fighting or the drinking and he doesn’t want to be a bad friend and get Eddie suspended, or worse, fired for something that was his fault in the first place.

He shouldn’t have provoked him, because then there wouldn’t be a mark on his face telling his friends—his family—that one of their own has spiraled so far out of control that he’s decided to take up illegal fighting and has been coming home late most nights worse for wear.

Buck is taken out of his head when he sees Athena slowly get up from her seat beside Bobby. She wipes her hands on her pants—something he’s noticed that she does a lot when she’s nervous—before she begins speaking.

But Buck stops her before she can say anything, not caring at all if he’s diving headfirst into worst-case-scenario conclusions.

“Wait,” Buck manages to say, “did you arrest Eddie?” then he quickly turns to his sister, “Maddie, what the fuck? I told you I didn’t want to press charges! I—oh god—Christopher…”

The weight of this realization stops him mid-sentence. If Eddie is in jail then CPS certainly has already taken Christopher away. This means that they already put him in foster care and now Buck really is the cause of Eddie losing his son, however this time, Christopher is alive and stuck in some home full of strangers. But Buck didn’t want to press charges, so this time it couldn’t be his fault? But like with the tsunami, Buck has made Eddie lose his son and he should be the one to be blamed. It’s Buck’s fault that Eddie hit him, it’s Buck’s fault that Eddie’s now in jail, and it’s Buck’s fault that Christopher is now in some unfamiliar home, probably terrified and confused, and wondering what happened to his dad.

Buck suddenly feels his chest constrict and he can’t breathe, the air in his lungs have vanished and he is incapable of breathing in anymore. His chest feels like it’s being crushed by thousands of tons of pressure, and it feels like he’s on fire and drowning all at the same time.

He’s gasping hard, trying to take in any air he can manage to breathe in. His hands are shaking violently in front of him and his whole body is freezing like the AC in the room is currently on blast and he can’t turn it off. His stomach feels queasy like he’s about vomit what little he’s eaten today all over his sister’s living room floor. His vision then starts to blur, and through his tears, he can see everyone getting up and coming towards him like they’ve all been trained to do in order to help someone in Buck’s situation.

Buck then finds himself sitting on the couch, Bobby is directly in front of him, and Buck can feel his hand gripping tightly around Bobby’s hand as the others fester above him, asking each other what is wrong with him since they can’t ask him that directly.

He can hear the calming voice of Athena above him, telling him to breathe and so he tries. She tells him to breathe in for five seconds, then hold for six seconds, and finally breathe out for seven and Buck listens, trying to regulate his breathing and calm himself down enough to yell at his friends for arresting his best friend and getting his kid thrown into the foster system.

“Buck, honey, we didn’t arrest Eddie,” Athena says once Buck’s breathing has settled and he can finally hear the voices of everyone around him.

“Then—then why are you all here?”

“We told you already Buckaroo, we’re worried about you.” Chimney pipes up.

Buck doesn’t look in his direction, instead, he looks down at his hands and sees that he’s still holding onto Bobby’s hand with a grip so tight he’s worried he’s crushing the other man’s hand.

Buck slowly pulls away from Bobby and the others, stuffing his hands into his pocket, and sinking himself as far into the couch as he can.

“We sort of gave Eddie the cold shoulder most of the day though,” Hen says quietly. “We weren’t entirely sure what to say to him until we saw you and could assess that for ourselves.”

“So, you all decided to show up here after your shifts?” Buck asks them.

“Maddie showed us the photo she took of your injuries earlier, so we wanted to come to check on you, make sure nothing was broken or worse,” Bobby tells him. “It looks a lot worse in person, just saying.”

Buck barks out a laugh and shakes his head.

“And we know you don’t want to press charges, but if you want me to suspend Eddie for a couple of shifts, if that’ll make you feel more comfortable, then I don’t mind doing that,” Bobby adds, reaching out to grab his hand once more.

Buck takes his hand, sort of unsure as to why he’s welcoming his comfort but accepts it anyway.

It’s silent for a moment as Buck tries to form the words he wants to say, he’s got tears in his eyes and he’s sure he looks like a mess. Maybe less of a mess than when the ladder truck fell on him, but still a pretty ugly mess.

“I don’t want you to suspend Eddie, I’ll be fine for our shift together tomorrow,” Buck tells Bobby with a small smile.

“Are you sure, Buck?” Maddie quickly interjects.

“I’m sure Mads, I’ll be fine,” Buck tells her. “I really don’t want there to be a fuss.” He says with a sigh.

“A fuss?” Hen scoffs. “Buck, you’re hurt, of course, we’re going to be worried about you and angry at the person who hurt you in the first place.”

“I know that…” Buck mutters. “But this time it’s different and I don’t want there to be any more drama because of me…” He trails off and avoids eye contact, knowing the others would have something to say about him thinking he’s some sort of burden to them all.

He’s not even surprised when someone does speak up about it.

“Evan Buckley, you are not to blame here.” Athena states. “You are not the one at fault, regardless of what you might think and you are not causing any grief from us other than the concern we have for your health and safety.” Athena seems very serious and though it’s a bit strange hearing her using his actual name, it does the job of grabbing Buck’s attention.

Buck sniffles, nods slowly and takes in her words. 

Realistically, he knows he shouldn’t blame himself, but he can’t help the shame he feels.

Buck feels Bobby squeeze his hand, reminding him he’s still here, and Buck looks up at him, looking deeply into his kind and caring parental eyes.

God, he loves his family.

“I’ll be okay,” Buck tells them. “I just…I don’t want Eddie to get in trouble…” He doesn’t add the words, because of me, after that sentence, but he knows he’s implied them.

“Then he won’t be in trouble if you don’t want him to be,” Bobby assures him.

“Okay…” Buck lets out a sigh of relief. “I’ll be fine for work tomorrow too and don’t worry, I’ll cover up the shiner with some makeup before coming in.”

Buck laughs but doesn’t dwell on the feeling of unease he senses from the others after he says this but he decides it’s nothing to be concerned with.

“So, when are you and Eddie going to talk then?” Chimney asks him as his arms cross over his chest, having too perfected the Dad Look over the years he’s known him.

“You can’t just not talk about it.” Hen adds. “I mean, what did you think you two could just move on without talking and things would be back to what they were before?”

“Well, I’d hope so,” Buck admits with a shrug. “I’d rather not talk to him about it. What happened is past, and I’m fine. I’m not scared of him, I just got hit, I mean, it could have been anyone of you that hit me and I’d feel the same way.”

“Buck, honey, I may have not liked you the first time we met, but I wouldn’t have ever hit you no matter how upset or angry I got.”

Buck opens his mouth to protest but then Bobby speaks up.

“And as I angry as I was at you for pulling that stunt with the lawsuit, I wasn’t going to ever hit you either.”

Buck tries to protest again but doesn’t get to before he’s interrupted once more.

“I think, what they’re trying to say, Buck, is as much as we were angry at you for the lawsuit, we’ve all accepted your apology and we would have never done anything to hurt you beyond what was already said and done,” Hen says as she tries to shed her wisdom on the situation.

“She’s right, Buckaroo, none of us would have dared to try to hurt you like that,” Chimney says. “Especially now that we know Maddie’s in your corner and ready to fight us if we even dared to try.”

That pricks Buck’s attention and then he turns to his sister, there’s a look of guilt and embarrassment on her face and Buck knows now that her talk with the team might have happened differently than he previously thought.

“Maddie what exactly did you say?”

“Before you get mad, can I just say, that lately, I haven’t been the best at decision making,” Maddie says with her face growing redder every second.

“Yes, I’m aware you tried stalking someone,” Buck says passively and thankfully it doesn’t stir much of a commotion in the others.

“Right, so uhm, I might have punched Eddie, you know, to knock a little sense into him.” She says with the tone only someone with major mama bear tendencies would say.

Buck—if he were more awake, less numb, and still as shaken up from earlier—might have yelled at Maddie for punching Eddie, for even embarrassing him in front of the team, and for telling them his business in the first place. But he is too tired and too numb overall to react anymore.

Sighing, Buck lets himself lay back against the couch and stare up at the ceiling. He just wants to go back to bed and make himself and everyone involved forget this ever happened.

But he’s happy the team cares enough about him to make a house call and he welcomes their company for a little longer into the night. Eating the light dinner Bobby prepared for his large and extended family all while trying to suppress the feeling that something—or someone—was missing from the almost perfect picture of them all together.

**~*~*~*~**

Eddie goes straight home after his shift because after sending Buck a dozen or so messages about wanting to talk about what happened all day, he’s figured that by now, with no response, Buck doesn’t want to talk yet and he’ll just give him his space.

Eddie is home alone for about half an hour before Christopher and Carla come by. With that time Eddie cleans up a bit in the living room; where he notices the blanket and pillow Buck had set out on the couch last night to sleep with were left untouched because Buck didn’t get to sleep last night. Instead, he had waited up for Eddie and thus suffered the consequences of Eddie’s unchecked rage.

He knows now he needs to change his ways because hitting Buck was a step too far and if he’s not careful—if he fucks up one more time—he may hurt Buck again and lose him permanently.

It’s almost four o’clock when Carla gets home with Christopher. Eddie is at the door the moment it opens and he greets his son, hugs him tightly, kisses him on the top of his head, and lets him go off to his room to put his things away, keeping an ear open in case he needs any help.

Eddie invites Carla in for dinner, but she declines, kindly, and gives Eddie a sad look.

“I don’t know what it is you’ve been doing most nights when I’m here late,” Carla begins, keeping her voice low in case Christopher decided to come out of his room, “but whatever it is I know it’s not healthy nor legal, so I hope you use that head of yours soon before it comes to bite you in the ass.”

Eddie sighs and nods. He shifts on his feet and rubs his hands together.

“I think it may have already bitten me in the ass.”

“I know.” Is all Carla says.

“How?” He quickly asks, wondering how she could possibly know what happened. The only way she would know what happened if Buck told her, which is likely since he and Carla are close and he probably needed someone to talk to after talking to Maddie. Eddie wonders if Buck knew that Maddie was going to go to the station, or if he was completely left out the loop in order for Maddie to be able to do what she did.

Eddie isn’t mad at Maddie though nor is he mad at Carla either because he knows that they’re just looking out for Buck.

“Christopher told me on the way home,” Carla says, taking Eddie out his head. The realization hits him and the weight of the knowledge that his son knows he did something bad to his Buck makes Eddie feel sick to his stomach.

Eddie quickly looks over his shoulder to see if Christopher is still in his room before asking Carla, “how does he know?”

“When I came to pick him up from school, he asked me if I knew where you had been last night.” She starts, “I told him I didn’t and he told me that he thought it was somewhere bad because he woke up last night when he overheard you and Buck fighting.”

Eddie nods, waiting for her to continue.

“Then he told me he fell asleep soon after overhearing you two fight and when he woke up, he saw that Buck had a giant bruise on his face and you and I both know that that kid is more observant than we give him credit for.” Eddie nods again, agreeing with Carla about Christopher’s observation skills.

Eddie hates that his son knows though, he doesn’t want to disappoint him at all or scare him into thinking he’s going to always fight with Buck and hit him. But he doesn’t know how to fix things yet and it seems like he’s going to have to figure it out soon because now everyone knows and Eddie will not be what they expect him to become. He’s not going to be that person. 

“I put the two together,” Carla continues, “which is what I assume he did too since he knows that you and Buck were fighting and then he saw Buck’s bruised face, he probably has it all figured out,” Carla says and then sighs. “But I figured it out since I know you probably came home drunk again from whatever underground MMA fight club you’ve been going to and Buck probably gave you an earful upon learning about it too.”

Eddie opens his mouth to say something but Carla quickly shushes him.

“Uh-uh, you can’t possibly think I’m dumb enough not to notice that you’ve been coming home late, drunk and beat up most nights for nearly two months.”

Eddie sighs, defeated. He thought he kept up the charade, but he figures now, he hasn’t been as stealthy as he thought he was being.

“You’ve got to make things right with your boy,” Carla tells him.

“I know, I’ll talk to Christopher about what happened…”

“I didn’t mean Christopher, Eddie,” Carla says, folding her arms over her chest.

“Buck’s not my boy…”

“And I’m not almost 50.”

“Carla, you don’t look a day over 35.”

Carla offers Eddie a smile and she pulls him in for a hug. Eddie thinks about what Carla is saying, and figures maybe his small crush on Buck is both obvious and much deeper than he initially thought, and though he knows it’s not a good time to reveal those feelings yet, he wants to be able to get there once he’s apologized.

“You need to make amends and soon, you hear?” She says squeezing him gently around his shoulders, “Cause I already had to be there for him when Abby hurt him and I don’t want to have to do the same thing again.”

Eddie nods and reminds himself to give Carla a bonus at the end of the month.

Carla steps away from the hug and then from Eddie, giving him a very serious look as she leaves the front porch, waving to Eddie with her usual bright smile as she enters her car.

Eddie closes the door once Carla’s car is down the street and then he turns around and sucks up all the fear and panic coursing through his veins to do what he needs to do tonight.

He needs to talk to his son.

Eddie walks from the door to Christopher’s room, he can hear the boy’s 3DS sound off the familiar tune of a Pokémon battle taking place, so he calmly knocks on his door and waits for the kid to give him the okay to come in.

“Yeah, Dad?”

Eddie walks into Christopher’s room and sits down on the edge of his bed.

“Can we talk kiddo?”

Christopher’s lips pout in slight confusion, but the kid closes the gaming device in his hand, putting it to the side, and turns his attention toward Eddie, waiting for him to speak.

“Carla told me you woke up last night, did you have another nightmare?”

“I didn’t,” Christopher says. “B—but I heard y—you and my Buck fighting, I think?”

Eddie sighs and pulls Christopher closer to him, wrapping his arms around his son, holding him tight as if he would slip away from his fingers.

“We were fighting, _mijo_,” Eddie says calmly. “And I’m sorry our fighting woke you up.”

“Wh—what was the fight about?”

Eddie admires that his son isn’t pulling his punches, he’s asking him the questions he wants answers to without fear or embarrassment, and Eddie wouldn’t ever get upset at him for that.

“Well, I haven’t been a very good friend to Buck lately,” Eddie tells his son. “I did something really bad kiddo, but I wanna make it up to him, do you think you can help me with that?”

“Ice cream alwa—always cheers m—me up,” Christopher says with a smile.

“I think I’m gonna need something a little more amazing than ice cream,” Eddie says honestly.

“You must’a did something really bad then,” Christopher mutters, then he frowns, and looks up at Eddie with sad eyes and it makes Eddie’s heart break. “Is that why Buck's face was hurt?”

Eddie nods, forcing himself to hold back the tears while also knowing he can’t lie to his son. He just hopes that the truth doesn’t upset him too much.

“That is bad…” Christopher mutters. “I th—think you sh—should kiss him, make the owie feel better like you do with m—me when I fall.”

Eddie tries not to laugh at Christopher’s suggestion and just hugs his son tighter.

“I’ll see what I can do at work tomorrow,” Eddie says.

“I hope Buck feels better soon and I hope he’s not too mad at you Daddy,” Christopher says, hugging him back.

Eddie kisses the top of his son’s head before whispering, “me too kiddo, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I hope this was worth it though. Thank you all for all the amazing comments and the support, I really appreciate it all! I love you all!


	5. Make Up

Eddie walks into work, unsure of himself. He half expected a call last night from Bobby telling him he was suspended from now until he worked out his issues, but the call never came. He doesn’t know if that’s because Buck told Bobby that he didn’t want Eddie suspended or because he was going to tell him in person.

Either way, Eddie is going to work today and he hopes that it fares better than yesterday.

Eddie pays no attention to anyone else though, as he makes his way into the station, since he is already aware of what they think of him and decides to keep himself isolated for the time being. He goes into the locker room to change, getting out of his civilian clothing and into his uniform. Once he’s changed he closes his locker after stuffing his duffle bag full of extra clothes and the clothes he came in with inside their metal closet for the day. Once the door is closed, Eddie is surprised when he sees Buck nonchalantly standing on the other side.

Eddie looks at Buck and sees that, despite the circumstances, he seems rather spry, but he notices the makeup right away. The thick cover of foundation feels like a punch to the gut hitting him hard as he stares up at the face of the man he hurt the other night.

“Makeup huh?” Eddie asks casually, unsure as to what he should be saying in this situation right now.

“I think I did a good job applying it, don’t you?” Buck says with a grin.

Eddie doesn’t know whether or not the grin is supposed to taunt him or make him feel better.

“Buck—”

“No Eddie, we can talk later, okay?” Buck says, though Eddie doesn’t believe he actually wants to talk about what happened, he’s only saying that so Eddie won’t decide that they should be talking now. “And don’t give me that look man, come on, I want today to be normal, so let’s just move past this and let things be normal?” Buck gently nudges Eddie’s shoulder with his own and then he walks out the locker room, going ahead of him and up the stairs into the communal area.

Eddie, with as much willpower as he can, follows behind Buck, keeping his distance the best that he can without alarming anyone else who’d think that he’d try to hurt Buck again.

Buck sits down at the couch and asks Hen to play video games with him. Hen smiles as she gladly accepts, but her eyes bear down on Eddie and she decides to sit herself between Eddie and Buck before starting up the gaming console. Eddie doesn’t want to say anything about Hen trying to keep a distance between the two of them and he doesn’t react either, because he doesn’t want to get into it now, he doesn’t have the energy to. So, he just pulls out his cell phone and spends some time scrolling down his Instagram account.

Eddie likes a photo of his parents kissing against the backdrop of the sun setting on the horizon along the vast ocean on their cruise in the Pacific. He then comments a string of heart emojis on a photo his sister took of her daughter who is now nine months old and getting so big.

After a while, Eddie pockets his cell phone and manages to take the silent treatment he’s receiving, figuring that if Buck could tough it out after being reinstated after the lawsuit, then so can he. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. He hates that Hen thinks that Eddie can’t be near Buck, but he doesn’t exactly blame her either. He doesn’t like the silent judging he can feel from Chimney who’s sitting and minding his business as he reads the newspaper but takes a moment each time he turns the page to look up and take a glance at Eddie and Buck quietly talking about mundane things, because Eddie is willing to try to act normal for Buck’s sake. And he doesn’t like the harsh, protective, stare that Bobby has been giving him the entire day.

And as awful as it makes him feel, Eddie almost wishes there was a natural disaster of some sort waiting to occur so that the team could go out on a call and Eddie could rid himself of all the awkwardness and hostility he feels.

Sometime towards mid-day, Buck gets up and goes into the kitchen, and with the silence among each other, Eddie can hear that Buck is talking with Bobby about wanting to try moving up in his informal cooking classes. But it’s after Bobby agrees to let Buck cook them brunch, that they get a call.

The call thankfully isn’t as gruesome as it could have been, which makes Eddie glad since he feels like he wished for this to happen. But the middle-aged couple and their three teenage kids managed to get out of the car accident mostly scratch-free and the asshole driving drunk and high at half-past 10:00 in the morning was also okay.

Eddie hates that he feels angry towards a stranger who decided to do something reckless, nearly ruing the lives of dozens in the process, but also sees the cruel irony in it.

When they get back to the station from the call, Eddie notices that the makeup on Buck’s face is slowly fading from the sweat he managed to work up as he successfully and carefully managed to lift two teenaged boys, one of which was a basketball player and the other who looked like he could be a football player, onto gurneys and brought them to the ambulance.

Buck notices the smeared makeup as well and so he slips away into the locker room to touch it up, and though he’s not sure why, Eddie decides to follow him.

“You know following me around like a kicked puppy isn’t going to make me want to talk to you any sooner,” Buck says as he sits down on the wooden bench in front of his locker, placing a bag of supplies out in front of him, and not even turning his head to see Eddie standing outside of the locker room door staring at him.

“I just wanted to see what it looks like, uncovered, for myself,” Eddie says quietly, kicking at nothing on the floor as he waits for Buck to tell him to leave. But he doesn’t and so Eddie takes it as an invitation to stay.

“It looks worse because of the blood thinners, trust me, it would look a lot less nasty if I didn’t have to worry about another pulmonary embolism.”

“So, you’re basically saying I can’t pack a punch?” Eddie asks, trying his damnedest at normalcy between them.

Buck laughs at Eddie’s joke but then shakes his head as the smile fades from his face.

“I’m saying, that by now, I should know how to take a punch to the face.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Eddie asks, stepping closer, and almost immediately, Buck’s joking front drops and Eddie sees through the mask now, Buck’s happy-go-lucky façade has disappeared almost completely and makes Eddie want to do everything in his power to bring his smile back.

But then Buck closes in on himself and shies away from Eddie, turning his head away and looking down at the bag set out in front of him. He sighs and then works on getting a makeup wipe out of a little plastic packaging from inside the bag, taking it to his face, and dabbing away the light shade of foundation from his cheeks.

Eddie decides to take a few more steps closer so that he’s standing in front of Buck who’s slow but meticulous at removing his makeup. Eddie then decides to sit down in front of him. And now, the only thing between them is Buck’s makeup bag.

Buck stops working and looks up at Eddie with sad eyes, and in entirely different circumstances Eddie would take hold of Buck’s wrists and pull him in for a hug to rid his face of the frown and effectively replace it with the smile he’s grown so fond of over the last year.

But things have changed and Eddie is now the reason Buck is upset so he knows he can’t do what he wants to do, so he opts for a more subtle and smaller approach at physical comfort.

“May I?” Eddie quietly asks as he takes a makeup wipe in his hand and brings it up to Buck’s face. He doesn’t make contact yet, though, and instead waits for Buck’s consent to follow through.

“What are we, in a Drag show dressing room?”

“I’m surprised you know what that is.”

Buck just laughs and Eddie takes that as an okay to go on.

Cradling Buck’s head in his other hand, Eddie carefully takes off the old makeup from Buck’s face, gently wiping away all traces of it from his cheeks, chin, forehead, and neck.

But Eddie isn’t careful enough, he presses a little too hard and Buck flinches, cursing quietly at the pain and Eddie immediately apologizes.

“It’s fine,” Buck mutters and all Eddie wants to do is scream at him and tell him that it’s not fine. He wants to tell Buck that he should hate him, that he should have him fired from the station, he should have him arrested, he should just do something so that Eddie can be punished for what he did to him.

But instead, Eddie says nothing.

With Buck’s face still in his hands, Eddie continues helping, pressing gentler now as he goes through one more makeup wipe before he gets all the foundation off. When he’s done he takes the dirtied wipes and balls the dried pieces of cloth up before getting up to throw them in the nearby trashcan.

“Thanks for helping out,” Buck says quietly, still keeping his eyes adverted from Eddie’s.

“I’m just sorry I’m the reason you have to wear that crap,” Eddie says.

Buck sighs, “you know we’re both going to be miserable today if we keep dwelling on this.”

“It’s kind of hard not to.” Eddie bites back, his words sounding a lot harsher than he meant them to be.

“I don’t want to fight anymore Eddie, but I mean, if you still want to then who am I to stop you from fighting huh? I mean, I already tried and look where that got me?” Buck asks and when Eddie opens his mouth to respond, Buck doesn’t let him. “But then again, I’m not your husband, I’m not your boyfriend or even your family, I’m just your best friend and here I thought that meant something to you.”

Buck takes that moment to get up from the bench to take his leave after shoving his things into his locker and slamming it shut, while Eddie just sits there, stunned at his words.

But by the time Buck is out of reach, Eddie is too late to tell Buck that he’s wrong. Eddie wants to tell Buck that he is his family, he is his best friend, and he is—for the lack of a better term—his soulmate and that he means the world to him. But Eddie was just too stupid and his judgment was too clouded for him to notice it before.

But now, it’s probably too late to tell Buck any of that.

**~*~*~**

Buck tries not to cry as he walks away from Eddie and though he doesn’t know what came over him when he told Eddie all those things, he can’t help but feel a weight lifted off his shoulders. But he had really wanted to keep things civil between them today and then that sort of blew up in his face, and on top of that, he didn’t even get to reapply his makeup.

Buck sits down on the couch and tries not to act like a pouting child, but because he’s the kind of guy to wear his feelings on his sleeve and because Bobby has the strongest dad instincts of any man out there, the guy is already sitting beside Buck by the time he is completely seated on the couch.

Bobby extends a comforting hand and Buck leans into it, allowing Bobby to rub soothing circles along his upper back.

“You know you don’t have to stay strong for us if you don’t want to kiddo.”

Buck swallows but shakes his head, figuring he got this far already, he might as well go for the home run.

“I’m fine Cap, really…” he says though even he doesn’t believe himself. “I’m just trying hard not to let this personal issue affect my work…”

Bobby gives Buck his signature dad look but doesn’t say anything to rebuttal.

“I mean…I guess, maybe I’m just a little shaken up because what happened between us triggered something in me I thought I had gotten away from…”

“Being triggered isn’t anything to be ashamed of Buck.” Bobby tells him but then he frowns and asks, “have you told Eddie this yet?”

“No, because it’s stupid, I left Pennsylvania for a damn good reason, and I figured nothing—well no one—here could ever do that to me again…”

“Do what to you Buck?” Bobby asks him, not for clarification for himself, since Bobby already knows, but because he wants Buck to admit it out loud himself.

“You know Bobby, I told you all about my shitty dad the night we went out to that concert together during my first few weeks at the 118.”

“I do know, and that’s why I’m letting you call the shots here kid.”

Buck hums, a grateful hum towards Bobby’s understanding of the situation and for allowing him to take control of said situation himself so that he can’t spiral so far out of control that he ends up doing something stupid again.

It is then that the alarm starts blaring and they get another call so Buck sucks up all the anxiety, pain, and anger he’s feeling in order to do the job he loves so much without fail.

But because Buck asked for normal, Bobby puts Buck and Eddie together on the assignment to go into the burning house together while Hen and Chimney do their usual job of checking on the victims’ vitals and packing them into the ambulance.

Thankfully, it was just a small house fire, caused by chaotic young kids making their mother go crazy while their father does absolutely nothing to help parent the kids, which then caused things to be thrown around the kitchen and thus a towel landed on the stove and caught fire, bringing the whole kitchen down with it.

When they’re done with the call they head back to the truck and Buck’s mind can’t help but wander to Christopher. The kid may not be his, but he loves him like his own and he still can’t shake the look of worry on his face that he had yesterday upon seeing Buck’s face bruised.

But he knows that as long as Christopher doesn’t know what really happened then he could shield him from that pain just like he did when they played “I Spy” as the bodies of dozens of dead strangers floated past them during the tsunami.

Buck heads into the kitchen once they return to the station and he immediately goes into the fridge and stuffs his face with day-old pasta and chicken, not caring about reheating the leftovers because he’s starving and can’t afford to wait for Bobby to cook anything just for them to get called out again for another fire or medical emergency.

“He’s like a bottomless pit.” Chimney laughs from behind him, as he peers into the fridge to scavenge for his own leftovers.

“It’s what I tell Denny, a growing boy’s gotta eat.” Hen chuckles from behind the counter.

Buck pays no mind to Bobby complaining about him using his fingers as a spoon and nor does he hear Bobby tell him how he’s fixing up a quick late lunch anyway for them and instead opts to continue shoving cold garlic butter pasta into his mouth.

Satisfied with the amount he’s eaten, Buck puts the Tupperware back into the fridge, shoving it as far back as it can go so that no one ends up eating the remainder of his finger food. But he’s sure Bobby or Chim will write a note just in case since it’s happened on more than one occasion where he’ll end up snacking again and finding the container with a sticky note attached saying; “Buckley’s fingers have been in here, proceed with caution.”

When Bobby finishes making lunch, the night shift has already arrived for the day and they immediately crowd the table for the Captain’s cooking.

It’s a nice scene, the whole station sitting around the table to eat, and it seems this time this meal will go uninterrupted, or at least, that’s what Buck hopes for.

“Woah, Buckley, where’d you get the shiner from?” Torres from the night shift asks him once everyone’s been served their portion.

“What can I say, the job’s a dangerous one.” Buck laughs as he takes a bite of the burrito in his hands.

“It’s an ugly one dude,” Larson says. “Even for a face as beautiful as yours.” He winks.

“We get it, Ivan you’re gay.” Hen laughs from the other side of the table.

“What’s a little flirting among colleagues,” Buck says with a laugh causing everyone else to laugh along with him.

The rest of the meal is uneventful, which is a relatively good thing for their track record of team meals, and Buck is grateful for that. He doesn’t want anyone else to know what happened between him and Eddie, hell he didn’t even want his family to know in the first place, but that all went south when Maddie decided to make a scene yesterday. He’s not mad at her, but he not entirely happy with her overprotective nature. However, he understands that, if the situation was reversed, he would have done the exact same thing.

For the rest of Buck’s shift there are three more calls; one where a kid gets his head stuck between the poles of the stairs and they use butter to get him free, the second one in which a woman gets her hair caught in the jacuzzi jet after trying to go down on her boyfriend and they have to cut off all her hair to get her free, and the final call being one where a teenaged boy locked himself and his little brother in the bathroom while their father, clearly intoxicated, tried to beat the boy for getting a B on his math test and alerted the neighbors by his shouting and trying to break down the door.

The last call hit far too close to home for Buck’s liking, but thankfully he’d been able to get through the door to let the kids safely out of the bathroom so that CPS could take them away from the enraged man Athena was shoving into the back of her squad car, not caring how much it hurt him as she did it.

Once Buck takes the kids to Chimney and Hen, he leaves and quickly makes his way around the firetruck—and away from prying eyes—to let out the contents of his stomach all over the asphalt, vomiting and crying until he can no longer heave up anything more than stomach acid.

Buck nearly flinches when he feels a hand on his shoulder, but instead, he leans into the comforting hand being offered, knowing very well from the soothing Spanish words being spoken above him, just who is that person is.

Buck’s been bent over, hands holding him up on his knees for the past few minutes, waiting for the sickness to finish passing through him so he could get up and get into the back of the fire truck.

Thankfully, it seems that the worst of it is over. 

“You okay Buck?” Eddie asks him once he’s finally finished dry heaving.

“Yeah.” He says, only to gag once more before he slowly raises himself up on shaking legs.

“I’d joke and say you ate too much earlier but god knows you’re too skinny and need to eat more.”

Buck chuckles at this and shrugs.

“The call just got to me is all.” He says.

“I understand, I hate seeing kids so terrified of someone who’s supposed to protect them.” Eddie states and Buck notices his fists balling up at his sides. “I wanted to kill that man for thinking that it was okay for him to try to hurt his kids like that.”

“Like murdering a man in cold blood is any better than what he was doing?” Buck huffs, trying to avoid Eddie’s gaze because seeing the rage in his eyes will only make things worse.

Eddie is about to respond to Buck’s statement when Bobby tells them it’s time to get into the truck so they can all head back to the station since they’re finished with the scene now.

And because he doesn’t want to let Eddie say what he’s about to say, Buck is quick to oblige to his captain’s orders and so he climbs into the truck and doesn’t bother talking to Eddie the entire way back.

Once they’re back at the station, it’s time for Buck to clock out and so he bids his farewell to his team members and then sends a heartfelt good luck to the night shift getting ready to take the reins from them before Buck quickly goes to his locker to get all his stuff so he can leave.

All he wants to do now is shower and fall into bed to suffocate himself under the warmth and comfort of his blankets so he can wake up tomorrow in time for his next shift.

But as Buck is throwing his bag over his shoulder to leave the station, Eddie is standing and waiting for him by his truck outside, having been faster at changing and getting his things than Buck was.

“Can we please talk,” Eddie says, desperation spilling from his tone.

But Buck doesn’t want to talk, talking just complicates things, makes things worse, and doesn’t help in the long run and all Buck wants is for things to fall back to normal so that he can get past the pain and past the anger he has.

But he knows with Eddie, it’s not that simple.

“I don’t—”

“If you want things back to normal Buck, then we have to talk to each other, can we please do that?”

“I’d rather—”

“Christopher knows.”

_What?_

“What?” Buck repeats, aloud this time, his attention now on Eddie. “Why the hell would you tell him what happened?” He asks, feeling dread creep up his spine as his lungs start to seize.

Christopher isn’t supposed to know. He was never supposed to know!

“I didn’t tell him, Buck,” Eddie says. “He figured it out on his own.”

“How?” Buck manages to croak out.

“He woke up when we were screaming at each other, then he went back to bed, and woke up the next morning to see your face busted up,” Eddie explains like Buck doesn’t know what happened. “The kid’s almost nine and is in advanced classes, of course, he was going to figure it out.”

Buck swallows and can feel his hands start to shake. Logically, though, it makes sense, Christopher is incredibly smart and very observant, so of course, he knows but that doesn’t make Buck feel any better. He didn’t want to subject the kid to that kind of pain, he doesn’t need to know his father’s violent side and he doesn’t need to know that it caused his friend any pain.

Buck sighs and runs his hand through his hair, shifting his weight on his feet as he tries to keep focused.

“What did he say then? I mean, what does he think about what happened?”

“He’s worried about you,” Eddie tells him. “He’s not, afraid or angry, or upset, he just wants to help me make things right between us, which is why we should talk…”

Buck sighs, he didn’t want to talk, but he knows, deep down, Eddie is right. Things between them and the rest of the team could only move forward, get better, and return to normal if they talked it out. And if it made Christopher feel better too, then Buck is willing to try anything, no matter how awful or uncomfortable it is.

“Your place or mine?” Buck asks Eddie, hoping Eddie picks up on his signal.

Eddie still looks taken aback though, like he hadn’t been prepared to get this far.

“Uh, wherever you feel comfortable.” Eddie stammers as his face flushes.

“Then let’s head back to your place,” Buck suggests with a small smile.

Eddie nods and Buck goes around to the passenger side and waits for Eddie to unlock his truck. He figures carpooling will be easier and will keep him from bolting the last minute. Buck is also not too worried about leaving without his own car either. He’ll be back tomorrow to get his Jeep anyway, so it’s not a big deal. But he sends Bobby a text, anyway, telling him he’s about to have a heart to heart with Eddie and he decided to put the environment first on his list of problems and carpool with him home rather than drive there himself.

The ride to Eddie’s is silent, and Buck would otherwise try to break that silence with casual conversation, a joke, or music, but for once, he doesn’t want to. He almost welcomes the tense silence and doesn’t want to talk, at least not yet when he’s still not 100% sure as to what he wants to tell Eddie during their much-needed talk anyway.

“I already asked Carla to keep Christopher a little bit longer so we could talk,” Eddie says as they pull into his driveway.

“She knows too?” Buck asks, rolling his eyes. “Is there anyone who doesn’t know?”

“My Abuela doesn’t.” Eddie states.

“I don’t know if that makes me feel better or not,” Buck mutters as they both get out of the car and walk up to the front door of the house.

They’re silent as they enter the house and Eddie offers Buck something to drink but he kindly declines, since he’s not really thirsty and he’d much rather get through this talk sooner rather than later.

Painstakingly slow, Buck follows Eddie into the living room and sits down on the far left seat of the couch while Eddie sits down on the far right seat. The empty seat in the middle clearly representing both the physical and metaphorical space between them, which Buck finds disgustingly poetic.

“I think…” Eddie begins. “You should start because I have no idea how to fix this.”

“Nothing needs fixing.”

“Does it Buck? Can you honest to god tell me that we’re okay?”

Buck looks down at his hands and shakes his head, deciding it’s best not to verbally answer that question. Instead, Buck sighs and kneels over so that his elbows are on his knees and his head is resting in his hands. He ignores the sharp sting of pain surging through his face and stares out into the middle space between Eddie and the TV.

“Look, I just wanna make it clear that I don’t hate you, nor am I scared of you.” Buck decides to start with that, figuring that it would be the best way to. “But let’s just say, that what happened, it triggered something that I had thought I had gotten away from…I mean I can handle people being angry at me, trust me I know, Athena hated my guts my first nine months on the job.” Buck chuckles a little at the memory, finding it wonderful now, that he considers the woman to be a mother figure to him, in a sense.

“But?” Eddie prompts, getting Buck to continue his thoughts.

“But…” Buck sighs. “But, physical violence? I can’t handle that Eddie, I ran away from Pennsylvania to get away from that shit, I really don’t want to have to run away from here too…”

“You don’t have to.” Eddie is quick to say. “It was an accident, and I will apologize for it until my dying breath.”

“I know it was an accident,” Buck responds. “But that doesn’t mean I’m any less trapped in the mindset I had growing up.”

“Your dad hit you?”

“Among other things.”

“Among other things?”

Buck knows he’s dug himself a grave with saying that, but decides he knows and trusts Eddie well enough to tell him.

“Hitting me was one thing, but he also broke beer bottles over my head, kicked me, locked me in my closet for a whole three days once, he also kept food from me, threatened to sell me for drug money and even threatened to kill me on a few occasions and on top of that was emotionally and verbally abusive. He called me stupid, worthless, and said other shit no father should ever say to his kid.”

“Christ Buck.”

“So now you’ll believe me when I tell you, you’re literally the best father out there for Christopher?”

“Yeah…yeah…I guess now I will.”

Buck nod in affirmation.

“I’m sorry, that what I did triggered you.” Eddie then says.

“I’m not going to say it’s okay, cause I know that you won’t accept that and also because we both know it’s not actually okay…but I see your apology and raise you one as well…”

“What—”

“Look,” Buck sighs and finally falls back against the couch and turns his head to look at Eddie. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Eddie. You and Chris needed me, I know that now, but I had my head so far up my ass with that lawsuit that I didn’t see it then, and I should have and I’m sorry.”

“We’re way past that Buck…”

“But I’m not.” Buck shoots up and shifts closer to Eddie.

Eddie leans back but doesn’t look defensive, he looks like he wants to agree.

“I just—I should have been there for you and maybe I could have talked some sense into you and we could have avoided everything else that followed.” Buck finishes, giving Eddie a small but apologetic smile.

Eddie returns the smile and sighs as he too sits back on the couch, letting the heavy stuff roll of him so he could relax finally.

“Look,” Eddie starts, “things got a little out of hands for both of us, you don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“Cause, obviously, you’d rather do it?”

Buck doesn’t even realize what he’s said until he sees Eddie reel back.

Crap.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”

“It was a poor choice of words on my part Buck, I get it.”

Buck doesn’t know if it’s the remaining nerves or the fact that he’s comfortable talking now, but something in him wants to know, so he asks even if he already knows he’s going to hate the answer.

“But be honest with me Eddie,” Buck starts, “you don’t think, during all these weeks you’ve been fighting these strangers, that just maybe, you were throwing your punches at the wrong guy?”

Eddie looks down at his hands and slowly begins to nod his head.

“Okay, okay, fine, you’re right…but until last night, I wouldn’t have ever actually done it.”

“Still doesn’t make hitting strangers okay, Eddie.” Buck sighs. “But I’m not going to lecture you anymore, cause, I mean, look where that got us?”

Eddie opens his mouth to say something but Buck doesn’t let him.

“And by the way, I know I can be stubborn and high maintenance, but my butting in” Buck uses air quotes when he says those last two words, “means I care about you and nothing in this world will keep me from caring about you, got it?”

The gold in Eddie’s brown eyes turn hazy as he starts tearing up. But he isn’t allowing himself to cry.

“I care about you too Buck, more than you could ever know.”

And Buck smiles, allows himself to start tearing up as well and then he scoots closer to Eddie, opening his arms to allow the other man to come in for a hug.

Eddie is hesitant, of course, but he sniffles and throws his arms around Buck’s waist, pulling him in for tight squeeze, which Buck happily accepts.

“We’re going to be okay,” Buck tells him and Eddie nods hugging him tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I hope this chapter was worth the wait, I'm sorry it took a little longer to update. Also, happy thanksgiving everyone! Also if there are any major mistakes, I was tired when I uploaded it so it may not be the best lol. Also, also, yes I stole some of the dialogue from episode nine, how could I not? It's literally PERFECT!

**Author's Note:**

> I STAN ONE ANGST FILLED SHOW!
> 
> Also I just really wanted to explore a darker turn the show could take with Eddie's rage storyline and Buck's recovery storyline while also throwing in breadcrumbs for buddie moments.


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